I'd like to make a game about livestock in a world after human extinction.
I imagine giant pompoms of un-shorn sheep, bouncing across the landscape like tumbleweed.
*boing* baaaaa *boing* baaaaa *boing* baaaaa
Bloated dairy cows that float across the sky (from all the methane), languidly exploding in a brief shower of cream.
Herds of cats that follow the cows, eventually becoming religious.
The beef cows would just keep wandering around, I guess. Same with the pigs.
Living skeletons of egg-laying hens, trapped in their tiny cages. Perhaps they eventually get thin enough to escape. Probaby not, though.
Meat chickens would go extinct, since they can't mate (impossible physiology and lack of males)
13.12.09
Some of this year's dialogue.
This was for an RPG made from the Neverwinter Nights engine. The purpose of this dialogue was to annoy the player as they were delayed by meandering dwarfs. The lack of capitalisation is deliberate, to the give the conversation flow, and to make it seem that they're all talking as a group.
1. You know, kids these days and their computer games
2. I know, they're so violent
3. and pointless. I mean, sitting there, staring at a screen
4. it's lazy!
1. It's unhealthy!
3. It's rotting their brains!
5. It's ruining their morals!
4. They have no morals!
6. And they drink too much
2. while playing games
1. violent games
3. violent games that teach kids how to hot-wire cars and kill people
6. and give them points for doing it!
5. Meaningless points!
1. They should all be outside playing physical games.
4. My friend Floyd knows about physical games....
2. What, you want them outside terrorising people?
4. Learning about real life!
3. Lock them all up!
2. Conscription! That's what we need.
6. They're all on pills today anyway
1. gangs roaming the streets
3. sponging off the rest of us
4. when they're not busy learning to be violent
6. beating each other up for bonus scores!
5. Watching porn!
2. Behaving like animals
3. coiuch potatoes!
1. Brainwashed by consumerism, living beyond their means
5. just tubs of lard, filled with desire
6. just wanting the next new thing, never being content
5. and they have funny hair!
4. And they can't spell!
2. They're too lazy to spell!
1. They don't have good enough eyesight to spell, because they're always playing video games!
3. All they know how to do is push buttons
4. and murder prostitutes
5. and shoot each other
2. and they don't know how to relate to anyone else
6. because they have no respect for anyone else!
1. Because they have no respect for themselves!
2. Because their parents don't discipline them properly
3. because they're scared of the drugged-up, obese, porn-addicted, immoral, amoral kids!
5. And it's all the fault of
1,2,3,4,5,6. Video games!
3. Waste of time.
4. And often you get stuck behind a group of NPCs on a path
5. Yeah, that's the most annoying.
6. But not as annoying as kids these days.
1. And their video games.
1. You know, kids these days and their computer games
2. I know, they're so violent
3. and pointless. I mean, sitting there, staring at a screen
4. it's lazy!
1. It's unhealthy!
3. It's rotting their brains!
5. It's ruining their morals!
4. They have no morals!
6. And they drink too much
2. while playing games
1. violent games
3. violent games that teach kids how to hot-wire cars and kill people
6. and give them points for doing it!
5. Meaningless points!
1. They should all be outside playing physical games.
4. My friend Floyd knows about physical games....
2. What, you want them outside terrorising people?
4. Learning about real life!
3. Lock them all up!
2. Conscription! That's what we need.
6. They're all on pills today anyway
1. gangs roaming the streets
3. sponging off the rest of us
4. when they're not busy learning to be violent
6. beating each other up for bonus scores!
5. Watching porn!
2. Behaving like animals
3. coiuch potatoes!
1. Brainwashed by consumerism, living beyond their means
5. just tubs of lard, filled with desire
6. just wanting the next new thing, never being content
5. and they have funny hair!
4. And they can't spell!
2. They're too lazy to spell!
1. They don't have good enough eyesight to spell, because they're always playing video games!
3. All they know how to do is push buttons
4. and murder prostitutes
5. and shoot each other
2. and they don't know how to relate to anyone else
6. because they have no respect for anyone else!
1. Because they have no respect for themselves!
2. Because their parents don't discipline them properly
3. because they're scared of the drugged-up, obese, porn-addicted, immoral, amoral kids!
5. And it's all the fault of
1,2,3,4,5,6. Video games!
3. Waste of time.
4. And often you get stuck behind a group of NPCs on a path
5. Yeah, that's the most annoying.
6. But not as annoying as kids these days.
1. And their video games.
11.12.09
Today's monsters - same as yesterday's.
Here are some tree monsters I've made for this year's cards. With two finished and only twenty more to do, I'll definitely get them done for a Christmas.
Christmas trees are extremely territorial, which is why you rarely see more than one in a house. During the mating season, the male tree's baubles increase in size by up to 25%.
And here's a dodo I made earlier. You can't see the feather detail because this scanner only scans things bigger than my ego.
Christmas trees are extremely territorial, which is why you rarely see more than one in a house. During the mating season, the male tree's baubles increase in size by up to 25%.And here's a dodo I made earlier. You can't see the feather detail because this scanner only scans things bigger than my ego.
9.12.09
18.10.09
Lunchtime doodle.
It's a self-propelled flying machine for cats. The toast pops up, is immediately buttered, and two slices are continually rotated to keep the cat aloft. Not the most original concept, but I hope to animate this properly over the holidays. The cat is making a raspberry sound with his tongue, because that's what you do when you're in a flying machine.
13.9.09
26.5.09
Less of an ice-breaker than the personification of global warming.
That second stripe there. It is actually a lovely shade of green.
30.4.09
Theory of the day:
Eyebrow hairs are actually the brain expelling old memories through the forehead.
If you shave off your eyebrows, all the new memories have to be put into making new hairs.
That's why I can't remember the whole of April.
If you shave off your eyebrows, all the new memories have to be put into making new hairs.
That's why I can't remember the whole of April.
28.4.09
Wondering vaguely....
why people explode beached whales into bits, instead of eating them. If anything is ethically unproblematic, it's eating an animal that committed suicide.
It would save a lot of cows, anyway. Odd that we'll torture and kill a bunch of other animals for food, but won't eat a beached whale.
----------------
Now playing: Marc-Anthony Macon - Wild Western Tales of the Crackshot Christ
via FoxyTunes
It would save a lot of cows, anyway. Odd that we'll torture and kill a bunch of other animals for food, but won't eat a beached whale.
----------------
Now playing: Marc-Anthony Macon - Wild Western Tales of the Crackshot Christ
via FoxyTunes
27.4.09
Pet review: the human body.
Useless. Don't bother getting one.
Sure, they look cute, but you have to take them with you everywhere, they for live about 80 years (needing constant care for all that time), and once it goes through puberty it'll constantly nag you about getting another one for company.
You feed them, walk them and play with them, and how do they reward you? Syphilis.
Bodies are also uneconomical. You always have less than you think - female bodies in particular.
They're easy to obtain but hard to get rid of: dump a body beside a highway and drive away, and see how far you get.
Instructions are contradictory: doctors, religions and instinct will all tell you different things about how to treat it. The RSPCA isn't interested.
Plus, they need to be symbiotic with about 12 other species to work properly.
Bodies: worst birthday present ever.
Sure, they look cute, but you have to take them with you everywhere, they for live about 80 years (needing constant care for all that time), and once it goes through puberty it'll constantly nag you about getting another one for company.
You feed them, walk them and play with them, and how do they reward you? Syphilis.
Bodies are also uneconomical. You always have less than you think - female bodies in particular.
They're easy to obtain but hard to get rid of: dump a body beside a highway and drive away, and see how far you get.
Instructions are contradictory: doctors, religions and instinct will all tell you different things about how to treat it. The RSPCA isn't interested.
Plus, they need to be symbiotic with about 12 other species to work properly.
Bodies: worst birthday present ever.
24.4.09
Yoghurt ad: "Find it on supermarket shelves, not your thighs."
Pondering the strange social life of the ad executive who often wakes up to find yoghurt on his thighs.
20.4.09
I once went to programming class in my pyjamas. What it was doing in my pyjamas I don't know.
Teaching properly law to the cat, temperance to the hair, some new swear words to the Connex website, and patience to myself.
I receive many liberal-points for being a red green rainbow pinko commie feminazi. (Liberal points are what you receive when you do something PC, and can be used to offset non-PC behaviours.) Some of these I spend on buying non-organic food and wasting electricity. But I earn so many points that I can afford a very valuable item: the ability to be racist against people. I enjoy my ability to be racist. Last week I was racist against games programmers. This week I think I'll be racist against schoolchildren. (For one, they have music class way too early in the morning.)
I receive many liberal-points for being a red green rainbow pinko commie feminazi. (Liberal points are what you receive when you do something PC, and can be used to offset non-PC behaviours.) Some of these I spend on buying non-organic food and wasting electricity. But I earn so many points that I can afford a very valuable item: the ability to be racist against people. I enjoy my ability to be racist. Last week I was racist against games programmers. This week I think I'll be racist against schoolchildren. (For one, they have music class way too early in the morning.)
14.4.09
10.4.09
The Daily Eyebrow - I probably should have recorded yesterday's... edition
As compensation, effing cats.
5.4.09
27.3.09
24.3.09
As heard on Radio National:
"You can't learn the piano by going to a concert and watching other people play - you have to play the piano.
You can't be a marathon runner by sitting on the couch and watching DVDs of marathons - you have to play the piano."
You can't be a marathon runner by sitting on the couch and watching DVDs of marathons - you have to play the piano."
The Daily Eyebrow - memorandum
Welcome to the upper part of my head, containing both nonsense and the burn of the sun.
The Society for the Preservation of the Status Quo
We've all been looking forward to it, and now their slogans have finally been released for this year's campaigns.
- Yay capitalism! Everything's dandy.
- Unrealistic beauty standards save me money on food!
- I never liked trees much anyway.
- Hooray for the free market! It's also free entertainment!
- All the lumberjacks I know are ok.
- Three cheers for industrial farming practices! Plants and animals are lovely!
- Huzzah for oil! Running cars on distilled dinosaurs is pretty cool.
- Why not refrain from writing a letter to your local parliamentarian: they're pretty busy.
- Woo heterosexuality! We can marry already!
- Hooray stuff! It's quite good, stuff.
- It's hard to change society, and Dr Who is on the telly tonight. Maybe tomorrow.
10.3.09
The Daily Eyebrow
I imagine this is going to become somewhat of a regular feature, since I shaved off my eyebrows.
You probably shouldn't shave off your eyebrows.
For one, you'll cut your facial scar, not feel it, and bleed everywhere. It will be embarrassing in a social way.
You probably shouldn't shave off your eyebrows.
For one, you'll cut your facial scar, not feel it, and bleed everywhere. It will be embarrassing in a social way.
25.2.09
My body is totally coded queer for Judith Butler.
Why this joke is funny:
First published in 1990, Judith Butler's book Gender Trouble explores the constructed nature of... oh never mind.
It's a funny joke, though.
First published in 1990, Judith Butler's book Gender Trouble explores the constructed nature of... oh never mind.
It's a funny joke, though.
13.2.09
Recipe: Peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
a.k.a: my dinner for the past 5 days.
Ingredients
1 slice of bread, toasted.
2 bananas (make sure one of them is cavendish)
half a jar of peanut butter.
Method
1. Preheat the grill to its highest setting.
2. Spread the toast with a thick layer of peanut butter.
3. cut one of the bananas into thick round slices, and arrange in a flat layer on the peanut butter.
4. Spread another layer of peanut butter. Arrange any slices that didn't fit on the first layer.
5. Repeat step 3, using the cavendish banana.
4. Spread a super-thick layer of peanut butter on top.
5. Place under the grill for about 2 minutes, or until the peanut butter is brown and bubbly.
6. Cut the sandwich into slices, as the bread will be impossible to pick up in one piece.
Cooking the sandwich makes the top layer of banana crunchy with melty bits, while keeping the layers underneath nicely warm and gooey. Don't use lady-finger bananas as the top layer, as they just dry out and become chewy banana chips.
I must experiement with a layer of jam or chocolate spread under the first layer of peanut butter one day.
Ingredients
1 slice of bread, toasted.
2 bananas (make sure one of them is cavendish)
half a jar of peanut butter.
Method
1. Preheat the grill to its highest setting.
2. Spread the toast with a thick layer of peanut butter.
3. cut one of the bananas into thick round slices, and arrange in a flat layer on the peanut butter.
4. Spread another layer of peanut butter. Arrange any slices that didn't fit on the first layer.
5. Repeat step 3, using the cavendish banana.
4. Spread a super-thick layer of peanut butter on top.
5. Place under the grill for about 2 minutes, or until the peanut butter is brown and bubbly.
6. Cut the sandwich into slices, as the bread will be impossible to pick up in one piece.
Cooking the sandwich makes the top layer of banana crunchy with melty bits, while keeping the layers underneath nicely warm and gooey. Don't use lady-finger bananas as the top layer, as they just dry out and become chewy banana chips.
I must experiement with a layer of jam or chocolate spread under the first layer of peanut butter one day.
11.2.09
Just ate half a jar of peanut butter. Am now ready for medieval crop rotation.
- In the three field system of medieval crop rotation, legumes and food plants are planted concurrently. Fallow ground is the third rotational period.
- Plants need nitrogen to grow properly, and must take it from the soil.
- Legumes are very important, because they add nitrogen to the soil.
- So the three field system was a radical new way to maintain soil quality over long periods.
- As I am full of peanuts, I am analagous to a field full of peanut plants.
- Thus, I would be ready for harvest, and crop rotation in the medieval period.
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